Thinking Too Much, Thinking Negatively

I have this fondness to travel. I want to travel and I enjoy seeing new places and experiencing new situations. But I don't want to do this all the time. Just a few days or weeks would be good. I just need to do something that I don't normally do just to get out of that feeling of doing everything in a routine. 

But when I do think about actually living in a new place, it excites me. But at the same time, it also scares me. It's why I choose to be near my family if I want to travel. Somewhere where I can actually just go back home if I want to or if I need to. 

I have been away from my family when I studied in college and when I worked after that. It's so difficult to be away especially when important things happen. I missed out on birthdays and weddings and funerals. I've spent nights worrying about people because they were sick and there was nothing that I can do since I was so far away and going home would need me spending money and time, both of which I didn't have that time. 

I was also able to go to Manila for a time and was on my way home to celebrate my son's birthday. I had my tickets and all but a typhoon happened so I was stranded at the airport, and I was worried and sad because I couldn't be there for my son when he was expecting some kind of celebration. No, it wasn't a grand one - he just wanted to celebrate his birthday with family. And I wasn't there. 

I couldn't send money that time. I had money but online transfers were not available then. It was a good thing my mother was able to borrow some from a friend and they cooked some spaghetti and bought my son a simple cake. He was already fine with that but the feeling of not being able to do anything and being away just didn't sit quite well with me. 

This is why I don't want to be too far from them. They're the only ones I have in my life who have been my constants despite everything untoward that I've done. I don't show it that much but I do want to help out as much as I can and be on top of things if I need to be. I just want to make sure that I can go home and be with them if I need to. 

These days, with the pandemic and all, traveling is going to be quite an issue. Aside from the fact that I can get infected with COVID-19 wherever I may decide to go, the fact that I may not be able to go home as much as I want to is not something okay with me. Plus, with flights and trips getting cancelled, it's not that good. Add to that the fact that I need to get swabbed if I want to go out of our province? Uh... no. It's expensive here! 

So there. One day, I may muster the courage to go out and travel once again. But, maybe not today. Just not today.