Feeling Like There's Something Wrong With Me

I have this feeling that something is wrong with me. Something that makes people not want to tell me the truth. That I do not deserve the truth. That lying to me is the best way to go. 

Honestly, I hate getting hurt. Who does? But if it's the way for me to know things and grow, then please do tell me what's real. If it's the way for me to become a better person, then please do not lie to me. If it's the way for me to understand things, then please stop telling me lies. If it's the way for me to know what's real, then tell me the truth. 

I realized that I have been lied to for years. By that one person who I thought wouldn't lie to me. He has been keeping a lot of stuff from me. And it's not a good thing. 

I prayed for hate. I prayed for hurt. I prayed for negative emotions so that I can move on from him. So I'm taking all of these right now and absorbing everything I need to realize. I will continue nurturing these negative emotions because it is what I need to go through. 

Or maybe I thought I deserved the truth when I really do not. I liked the guy but I guess it's not my place to ask for the truth. We're not together in any way. And so why should I want to know what's up with his life? I guess that is what's wrong with me. 

So yeah. I'm keeping all of these in. I'm making them grow so that I stop loving him and just feel hatred and pain when I think of him and see him. Maybe by then, I will move on.